I think Orioles fans read this blog or something

Inspired by my semi retarded half season review of the Oakland A's, and armed with boredom, here is your BALTIMORE ORIOLES 2005 mid season review!

Not much was expected of The O's this year, besides for them to have their skulls bashed in repeatedly by THE EVIL EMPIRE and the NOT SO EVIL EMPIRE. The Yankees payroll hitting stupid amounts of stupid and going to 206 million dollars, and the Red Sox, oh come on 120 million isn't that bad bunch of "idiots" didn't lead for high expectations for the O's. Really all the sane people thought they'd beat the Blue Jays because they are terrible, and the Devil Rays because little leauge teams usually beat them. The O's exceeded all expectations busting out of the gate and holding onto first place for a few months. Will they be able to stop the Yankees resurgance, and The Red Sox?

No, but it was a cute try.

LINEUP
2B Brian Roberts
Well looks like someone found Brady Anderson's steroids! There is no reason that he should be having this season, but hey, whatever.

3B Melvin Mora
He's improved his defense greatly since finally finding a permanant position, and his offense has been there since last season.

SS Migel Tejada
Thanks for stealing the A's shortstop. Fags. BETTER STATS THAN RIPKEN EVER HAD.

DH/1B R. Palmero
Still producing, although his average has dropped due to him swinging for the fences more. He shows me that all those Viagra commercials are totally correct. Will miss the hall of fame. :(

RF/DH And empty can of Soda
Well O's fans, would you rather have Sammy Sosa or a empty can of soda in right field. Someone get Roberts to share his stash.

C Javy Lopez
If he'd ever stop being an injured gimp, he'd be putting up decent numbers and helping O's fans that they got ripped off even if they traded 4 tacos and a stick to the Cubs for Sosa.

1B/RF/DH Jay Gibbons
Your prototypical Rob Deer type. Strikes out like me in a bar with supermodels. People who like him are dumb. Really. Go get Mike Sweeney from the Royals or something. Put him in RF to replace the empty can of Soda. Then recyle. Not the can of Soda, Sosa.

CF/LF Two morons who were once awesome prospects but now it turns out they are failures and they suck and are injured a lot. Matos and Bigbie need to go.

Conclusion: The infield is retardedly awesome, one of the best in baseball. (Hint: The Cardinals and Yankees are better) Which makes it so perplexing why the outfield is so god fucking awful. Trade rumors float around that they were interested in Preston Wilson, who is also a retard, and Corey Patterson, who is the shining star of I HAVE POTIENTIAL OH GOD I FUCKED UP AGAIN. These are really terrible ideas, yet it appears Mike Flanagan the GM is not a complete and utter tool like Syd Thrift was. Really tho, go get a real first baseman, dump Gibbons into Right or Left, and then have Columbian drug lords kill off your current outfield. The bench is pretty ignorable, as your back up catcher is crap, and Chris Gomez sucks. Surhoff is older than the smegma on King Tut's rotting phallus, but atleast an ok backup, and Marrero is one of those stupid backups you can play 50 positions.

STAFF:
S. Ponson
Your staff ace is fat, overpaid, shows no consistancy, and beats up judges in Aruba. Aruba retailed by capturing and feeding to sharks one of our Stupid American women. WAY TO GO. I suppose Ponson would make and awesome arm out of the bullpen. Well, assuming you wanted his fat ass to keep one of the benches warm.
E. Bedard
In all reality he is now the staff ace as a rookie. Nice pitching depth there.
B Chen
If you need average, then here it is. Nothing great, nothing bad. Wooo!
D Cabrera
Rookie with tons of talent, pushed into the staff because the rest of them kinda suck. Is either brilliant, or a gigantic clusterfuck.
R. Lopez
Zzzzzzzzzzz

4 Tacos and a stick stays: The O's were considering getting Zito from the A's, but the A's kept asking for Bedard. Clearly Mike Flanagan is better than Syd Thrift for saying No. As of now the Orioles are trying to aquire every pitcher I've ever heard of because of how stupid Ponson is, and how heavily they rely on two fucking rookies. Jason Schmidt is having a shitty year, and the Giants Brian Sabian would probably rob them of their pitching depth in the minors. Oddly enough they got that depth by trading Ponson to the Giants, and for some reason they resigned Ponson. Oh well. The other hot deal is AJ Burnett, from the Marlins. He gets injured a lot, but I suppose would improve the starting staff. He's not an ace, and the Marlins will gut your farm system. The best solution would be to send Sydney to go find the missing girl in Aruba, and then burn his passport. Then call up the pitching depth from the minors, I believe J. Maine could take his spot and no one would bat an eyelash.

BULLPEN
BJ Ryan is a pretty good closer. Luckily he was able to make Jose Julio not close. If Julio did close, this would be bad. Julio sucks. Cutting Steve Reed was a great move, since his era is higher than Rick James ashes. The rest of the bullpen is ok, but hey all bullpen people are minus closers are failed starters.

Pedro Seyz: I'm sure some stupid team like the Cubs would love Julio. Why don't you try and take prospect Jason DuBois off their hands? It's not like Dusty "Fucking Stupid" Baker is going to use a rookie when he has washed up vetrans to use anyway. The Cubs need a closer, and you need an outfielder capable of, having a pulse. DANGLE SHINY POSPECTS, Dubois is young and can not suck for a while.


SO THERE YOU GO. Great season so far, it'll suck being in 3rd place again once the Yankees buy the National Leauge as their farm team, and then Curt Shilling loses his arm to a shark and then pitches no hitters with his other arm after his leg falls off and then AMERICA or something. Cute Season, try and develop your young pitchers this year, and go get some goddamned outfielders, so you can really compete next year!

Toodles